The Lonely Days

This is for the ones who are grieving:

There are too many extremely hard aspects of grief to list here today, but there is one I specifically want to tell you about.

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Today is August 7th, my sister's birthday. I don't forget this when I think of August; I don't forget how we should be celebrating. I'm sure you understand when those calendar days come for you.

I call these: The Lonely Days.

When we lost her, my whole world stopped. It's blurry to look back on, but I do remember how everything just stopped. I wasn't looking to the future, or concerned with what would happen next, I wasn't thinking of anything really. I thought of how to distract myself, and take care of my basic physical needs. There were also so many good friends there to help me, people who I will always cherish and be more thankful for than I can say. As time went on, people were still understanding, but they moved on with their lives, as they should. Continuing to go through my days, I tried to keep moving forward but my life was completely changed, I had to adapt. I couldn't just move on, because everything was different.

Leaving for school was different without her in the car, between classes was different without passing her, coming home was different with no one to race to the tv, even sleeping was different without saying goodnight by 3 knocks on the wall. Everything in my life had been changed.

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As time continued to go on, it kind of felt like no one really remembered, like they expected me to be okay and to not talk about it. That’s nothing against them-after all, it’s hard to know how to treat a grieving teenager. But I still carried sadness, keeping it to myself. As the years keep going on, I still feel sadness. You probably do too, that is normal. Sometimes the waves are much worse than others, and some days are just especially bad but other days are good and I can look at life from a different angle, appreciating life more. This is normal too - you’re not alone when the waves come. What has changed for me though, is now I don't try to carry it alone.

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On certain days, anniversaries, or birthdays, it can be easier to feel alone. Waking up in the morning, this day could be extra hard for you, full of more reminders. For other people it is just a day, but for you it holds a deep scar. This can add on to the grief, a brutal loneliness. As the other people just go on with their everyday, you are in extra pain, I understand.

Sometimes it feels as if no one remembers the pain that you’re going through, so maybe you shouldn't feel that way. This isn’t true, people remember and people care. But these feelings are real. With the specific day that carries a weight, combined with your own thoughts, it creates a storm that can feel lonelier than any other time. I’m not telling you this to feel sorry for me, or to make you focus on the loss, but rather so you can read this, relate, and have great hope because I have good news:

It might feel like other people have forgotten, but God has never once forgotten the pain you have been through or are going through.

It might feel lonely, but you are never alone, for your Father is with you.

He loves you unconditionally; He is always wanting to listen, wanting to show you love.

Let Him remember, let Him take care of you.

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For those of you who are just starting this process of grief, who are completely drowning in the waves:

Most people told me it will get better, but never go away. In a sense they are correct. The pain of missing your person doesn't go away, but it doesn't "get better" either, it adapts. I think it changes into a gratitude for the memories, and hope for the future. It causes you to love people deeper and appreciate life in a beautiful way. You will always miss them, but there is hope.

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"Therefore, we who have fled to him for refuge can have great confidence as we hold to the hope that lies before us. This hope is a strong and trustworthy anchor for our souls..." Hebrew 6:18 & 19

"And be sure of this: I am with you always, even to the end of the age." - Jesus

Matthew 28:20