I didn't think I would write about my grief so much. I didn't want my blog to be a sad place for people to stay, I didn't want attention. I wanted to encourage people or help destress them, maybe write something like "My Favorite Fall Outfits" but then I find myself writing about sadness, even when I have other ideas lined up. Maybe this has become more like a journal for me, a way of expressing myself when I can't put it into verbal words, it's become a healing process; so thank you for joining me.
Sundays are harder for me than other days, I can't tell you why. Ever since I've let myself grieve, they seem to be harder for me. Some Sundays are fun, filled with church, homework, and family time. Other Sundays I wake up and I feel almost sick, weak to the point where I want to just stay home and sleep, but a different kind of weak-like my heart is tired. At these times I feel exhausted, empty, and just drained. Usually after these kind of days my Mondays are even hard, I just want to be alone and recoupe. But maybe I just need to let myself feel.
My to-do list gets saved for Sundays sometimes. I wait to clean, do most of my studying, relax, write, etc. When I have busy weeks, I wait for Sundays to finish my checklist, it's exciting.
When the sad Sundays come though, I feel debilitated, as if I can't finish my to-do list, just adding to my stress. I can't study, clean, or check anything off because my heart is so weak. But I've slowly been figuring out how to change this. After I let myself cry, it starts to get better slowly. As I write this, I've finally been able to brighten up, not feel so exhausted. I can turn this feeling around by actually feeling-then it doesn't last for days, feeling like there is no remedy.
Am I the only one who buries their feelings? Maybe you don't do it on purpose but you're just busy. Sometimes I feel sadness knocking, but I'm just too busy to let it in. Maybe you do the same.
I don't have long, profound writing for you to read today, it's basically just this.
If I can give you any advice, let yourself feel sadness when it comes. Let yourself wrap up in a blanket during the summer accompanied by a hot coffee, sit on the couch and cry. Take care of your heart, because you can't heal if you don't acknowledge the pain is there. Let yourself be alone, but most of all, let yourself be surrounded by safe people who will hold you and let you cry, or even make you a grilled cheese sandwich. Let yourself feel, while letting yourself be loved. Don't lose hope, there will be happy days too, where sadness barely brushes you. On those days, let yourself be happy.
My encouragement to you: emotions aren't a bad thing, stop pushing them away, stop being like past me. Let yourself have them, and remember you are loved as you are. Thank you for joining me in this healing journey. Thank you for encouraging me.
Grace and Peace,
Evelyn
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