I think I lived in fear since January 25th of 2016, the day my sister passed away in a car accident. Fear of growing close to people, loving people, being happy, and even more so-fear of being sad; constantly scared that more bad would occur or that God would take away the people I love. It was overwhelming, it was crippling.
My favorite song of all time is “The Blessing” by Kari Jobe. In a podcast with Bob Goff, Kari explained the inspiration for this song. From what I took from her explanation, she was afraid. She was scared to be like Job from the Bible; scared she would lose her family and the people she loved, and wow, could I relate. She further explained that one day while she was taking a walk, one of her son’s strollers went into the water while he was occupying it. She ended up saving him and he was okay, but this event embodied her biggest fear.
Kari went on to say that she asked God what His nature was, and He replied that His nature is good. Something bad did happen to her, but it was okay, God was still good and He was still with her. Then they wrote “The Blessing,” which she explains as the heart of the Father.
The scripture used to write this song is from Numbers 6:24-26:
“May the Lord bless you and protect you. May the Lord smile on you and be gracious to you. May the Lord show you his favor and give you peace.”
November 28th 2020, was just another day when I woke up. I rolled out of bed and headed to church to decorate for Christmas. After starting the decor, the team realized we had forgot some supplies, including lunch. After putting up a few ornaments, my friend and I volunteered to go purchase the needed wrapping paper from Meijer, pick up pizza, and come back.
On the way back, we got in a car accident.
Right away I spoke “Jesus” and peace covered me.
After clearing the spilled coffee off of my phone, I offered to call 911, but ended up calling my mom instead. I informed my mom right away that I was fine, so she didn’t worry, but we needed my parents to come to the scene.
Shortly after, my dad arrived and upon seeing him I began to cry; I was really shaken up, more than I thought I should be. Even after I got back to the church and then home safely, I was still so shaken up.
I’d been so terrified for four years of something bad happening again, and even though it was minor, it happened.
Although I was terrified for those years, I rarely ever opened up about this fear. Keeping it to myself, I just lived with an overwhelming anxiety of something going wrong, of being hurt again.
That day I began to let myself grieve. God was healing my very guarded, fearful heart. I wasn’t as afraid of sadness (sometimes I still am) but I began to grieve, slowly; I wasn’t as terrified of bad things happening because something bad happened, and it was okay. God was with me.
I felt more peace after that. I began to know God better. He is always for me-wanting the absolute best for me, not wishing bad upon me or waiting to hurt me, but rather waiting to bless me and comfort me when life hits hard. He is a Father that shows his beautiful nature by never leaving us, but walking with us and loving us. That day my God showed me that life would be okay, bad will still happen, but He will still be with me.
I pray that as you read this, you’re open to His favor, His nature, and His loving, fatherly arms that bring you a sense of home, that bring you back to a place of peace.
Grace and Peace,
Evelyn
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